Leave it all behind

12/18/2012
"If I saw you on the street, and you said come and follow me, would I have to give up everything? All I once held dear, and all of my dreams? Would I love you enough to let go? Or would my love run dry when you ask for my life?"
     Tonight I drove up to the my spot again, on the top floor of the parking garage. I usually go there to think and clear my head; Gainesville stars are just so incredibly beautiful when all the world is quiet. There's been so much I've struggled with lately, it's felt like a raging war inside of me for so long that there are times when I can actually feel the burn come to the surface-and I just break. Like I did as soon as I let my face fall into my hands as my head rested on the steering wheel. Numbing emptiness, and tears of chaos and  confusion. "Where are you, God?" I demanded.
    I was so angry with Him, and I wanted to hear him. Yet no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't hear a thing.

But just as He has proven to be so faithful before, Sidewalk Prophets started singing the words to the song You Can Have Me on the radio. And I heard him- for the first time in a long time. I stopped at these words:

"Would I love you enough to let go?"

   ...That's when it hit me.
"Jesus....do I?"

      That numbing emptiness was almost instantly replaced by uncontrollable sobbing and tears as I felt His grace, His mercy, His healing powers of redemption and forgiveness wash over me. I remembered that prayer I used to pray every night- "Take it all, it's all yours, I want to give you everything." I felt my walls come crashing to the ground as the song played on. Because I realized that I was holding on to so many things that had become idols in my life. Things that I don't think I was prepared to lose. And lately I've been so bitter, because I felt like I had lost so much. But was it really that much?

 I felt like I lost my mom to depression and an unhealthy relationship with another man. I struggled with my health because of the asthma that posed a challenge to my future career in the Navy and in my life. I spent countless sleepless nights losing so much energy and longing to go back to Africa to see my little orphan boy, Okia. I fell in love with someone who I trusted and felt that God had told me to never give up on him, only to watch him change into someone I didn't know and someone who broke my heart without ever realizing it. I started to realize more things about myself that I couldn't see before, things that I had stuffed away over the years and didn't truly take the time to heal and forgive people in my life who had hurt me growing up. So much more that I clung to as they all just slipped through my fingers.

All of these things that paled in comparison to you. I needed to learn to give not just some things up, but even the things that I thought I had desired most in this life. I think I had given so much time and energy trying to hold on and keep these things for as long as I could, because they brought me moments of joy before. But see, the point was never to hold on to those things, but to see Jesus in every single one of those people, conversations, smiles, every laugh, every memory- and to be reminded how He loved me in those moments. And how even though those things are gone, He stayed. He is the precious that is extracted from every moment in your life that is gone and passed. And those little reminders of hope and love are the fuel that keeps us going, the building blocks of our heart that makes us the Angel or the warrior of His here on this Earth.

 Learn to let go of those things. Learn to cherish life in every moment with the promise in your heart that you are prepared to give it up to Him when it's time to surrender everything, EVERYTHING, to the one who carries you through.

Let go, and let God.

As I was leaving the garage, Casting Crowns started playing on the radio with the song The Well.
"Your pursuit of perfection.
Your fear of rejection.
Your temporary pleasures.
All your earthly treasures.
Dried up empty religion.
Rusty chains of addiction.
All the guilt that weighs you down
Just leave it all behind- And come to the well."

               So that's what I did. I left if all behind. Jesus, it's yours. And I'm coming to the Well<3

The Fighter

The battle came so suddenly

Unexpected fearfully,

But I stood ready on my feet.

The stone was laid upon my hand

The warriors cry through all the land

Rang for all to hear your name

So brave and valiant was the one who stood by faith

To cry to you to meet her in the hiding place

Chorus:

I'm a fighter, but I'm not quite a winner

Cause' when I fall two thousand steps below my feet

I stand up on one step, and fall down to another

I was bound in chains until you set me free,

It's like the world is saying you can't have faith in the things you cannot see

So make me a fighter, In the fight to believe

The drums played on that open field

Armies marched but none could feel

The cries of children in the dark

The war inside our hearts rage on

Waiting for the break of dawn

But no one stands up and the darkness just drags on

What will it take to make your heroes rise again

To lead the broken nations to the promised land?

Chorus

The Straight and Narrow Road

Today was… rough. I went to bed last night knowing exactly how my schedule would go, when and where I needed to be, what I needed to do. I had it all figured out. Or so I thought. That’s when my world started to cave in; everything went wrong. And in the midst of all the chaos and the troubles that seemed to bury me in a pile of bricks, I heard that still small voice. Beloved, trust in me. Familiarity, beauty, grace. That’s what He offers me every time. I seem to so easily forget that even when I think I have everything figured out, I need Him to hold me together when the inevitable and erratic turns my clouds to gray. Once again, I was brought to my knees in humble adoration. Nothing will ever be constant, things will always change. But the love of the Father who adores His daughter, will always remain the same.

                The thoughts creep into my mind on a daily basis. Who will I be, what will I do, where will I go? Who will I marry? Will my children be happy? How will I pay this off? Will I pass this exam? The minor issues all the way to the life changing questions and everything far and in between; the enemy seeks to steal our minds and capture our hearts. He comes to steal, kill, and destroy. And there are many times when he believes he has won.

                He will never win, for Christ has already overcome the world. But I refuse to even allow him to believe he was ever close to having the victory over my heart.

                To wrap this all up into one concluding thought, I want you to understand that even though I was able to get up physically after being brought to my knees earlier today, I have been and continue to remain spiritually before the throne, on my knees, in a state of surrender. When I made the decision to travel the straight and narrow road, I had no idea that the road would literally become narrower and narrower as I kept walking. But I also did not realize that the road would become brighter, and that the face of the Savior would be more and more present everywhere I turned. In this world, we will have tribulation. We will be brought to our knees time and time again, only to be strengthened even more for what lies up ahead. The word brings us back to this truth. There has not been a point lately that I’ve been able to fully recover. And I don’t believe I ever will, especially if I tried to do it on my own. But the beauty lies in His power when we realize we are not in control, but it is Him in us that guides our every move. I wait on Him, kneeling down at His feet; broken and redeemed. I could stay on my knees forever knowing that I can rest, and He will move through me. 

Looking Forward

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”

  There have been so many times in my life that I’ve anticipated the worst. Anytime something good comes along the way, I can get so fearful of how it will end in flames that I forget to praise Jesus for every blessing that He has brought to my life. And in the blink of an eye, it’s gone. Does anything last anymore? Is there any kind of happiness that is meant to be forever? I’ve lived my life through the trials and the storms, believing that I am unworthy, not deserving, and incapable of being loved in a way that is unconditional and true.  Only when I come back to the cross do I hear the sweetest voice of a Savior say, "Beloved, you are mine." HE, He is here to stay.

      I’m learning to rejoice for the good times, to be strong towards the end, and to set my gaze on the beauty from up above. 

Take the Lead

Will you take the lead
Will you take my hand
Would you show me all the untold beauty of this land
Can you make me move
With all that I've gone through
Can you be the hope that points me to the risen truth
Will you take the lead


I miss your smile that made the world fall away
And I miss your touch that wrapped me in a warm embrace
But still I have to trust that there's a God above
Who leads me by the waters of His everlasting love
And I know while I wait, when I can hardly breathe
I will pray for hope in every hope that is unseen
The memories of our days, replaying in my mind
The promise of a future that'll someday fall in line

Will you take the lead
Will you take my hand
Would you show me all the untold beauty of this land
Can you make me move
With all that I've gone through
Can you be the hope that points me to the risen truth
Will you take the lead

The Portion of Eternity

“Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, ‘Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.’ But the Lord answered her, ‘Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.’”~Luke 10:38

                For me to be able to explain where I’m at in my life right now, I need you to understand the story of these two sisters right here. As Christians, there are so many times in our lives that we lead a double life. We put on two different faces; one for the surface, and one for the inner being that cries out for help. We wear a smile that hides away all the pain, all the suffering, all the desires in our hearts to feel whole and renewed. And to top it all off, we distract ourselves with the desires of the flesh and the teachings of the world, all in an effort to serve and be recognized for it. We live with pride, and instead of crying out to our savior and realizing how much we need Him to renew us, we fill up our schedules and our lives with more than we can handle, just to feel like we’re accomplishing something great. This life is the life of Martha. This is my life.

                I am run down and weary. I feel spiritually drained and mentally and physically exhausted. I’ve been running towards the prize that Jesus has laid before me on my path. But instead of resting in His promises and enjoying every moment with my saviour, I’ve been so distracted with trying to do as much as I possibly can to serve, that I forgot how precious and sweet my time with Christ is. And in that moment of forgetting, I’ve come to a place of brokenness, and I didn’t know how to get back. It wasn’t until I opened my Bible this morning to read this scripture that the Lord spoke to me. “Martha, Martha, you are ANXIOUS and TROUBLED about many things. But one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the GOOD portion, which will not be taken from her.”

                Martha was just trying to do her best, right? Serving as much as she could. But Mary, Mary understood that our lives are meant to be more than just what the world sees as being righteous. Mary understood that while the rest of the world will fall away, the Word of God will always stand true. Mary knew that when her time came to stand before the throne, there was and is nothing in this life that she could do to earn her way into the kingdom of heaven. She knew that knowing the Savior and knowing His love and his truths; this is what would last for eternity.

‘Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.’ How many times have I put my hope in everything BUT the one who lived and died for me?  I want to serve with a heart of joy, and I want to choose the good portion. I want to live my life knowing I’ve chosen Him over great works and deeds. Because great works and good deeds will one day be forgotten, and they will fall away. But His love and His teachings will carry on in my heart for eternity. Lord, help me to choose the good portion. Help me not to serve and become distracted by how well I can serve, or how much I can serve. Help me to serve with a heart that is restful and at peace. Help me to come to your Word and seek you in everything I do, even before I attempt to do it. Help me to live like Mary, resting at your feet, and sitting still. Help me to sit still, so that I may LISTEN and hear you. 

Learning to Trust

      A broken heart that has been pried into by a million different keys that left the lock worn away and rusted; this is the kind of heart that is only mended by a God who is sovereign. He sees the depths of our hearts. He knows every corner, every crack in the walls, every door that has been opened and slammed shut after the dark tried to seal it up forever. We are left broken and desolate by those who we once trusted. The idols in our lives and the things we put our hope in that left us empty. Trust is a four letter word that seems so simple rolling off the tongue, and yet so complex and misunderstood when it applies to our individual lives. I have trusted, and I have let people in. And I have been left with a heart that was ravaged and torn one too many times to even begin to understand. Even still, every time I try and run from the one thing that has always been constant, Jesus Christ stands there before the cross, in all His glory, lifting my face towards the heaven, and whispers over me,"Peace, be still."
My hope has been in so many different things throughout my life; in people, in idols, in thoughts, in pleasures. But none can or ever will compare to the hope and peace I find in my beautiful Lord. Trust? One of the hardest things on this earth, for me. Trusting in Jesus Christ? It's what has saved my life, every day. I have learned that people will dissappoint, because we are human. I have learned that idols will fail us, because they will never be real. I have learned that pleasures of this world will leave us empty, because they are not eternal. Everything in this world is meaningless without hope in Christ. He is our strength, our peace, our perservance. He is our reason for running the race when we feel weak. As solomon repeats over and over again in Ecclesiastes, the desires of the flesh are meaningless unless they are rooted in Christ. "Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun."~Ecclesiastes 2:11. My prayer is and always will be that my desires are from God and God alone.
When I am brought to my knees, when the tears fall forth, and when the aches in my heart are too much to bear, I am always reminded that my hope and my trust is first and foremost in Him who will never leave nor forsake me. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."~Proverbs 3:5-6. So while trust may seem impossible to those who have been broken countless times; when we learn to trust in the Lord above all else, we learn to put our hope in the only One who deserves our trust. We allow him to mend our broken hearts, and to teach us to love again, more passionately and stronger than before. He has taught me to guard my heart, but to also never fear brokenness or the unknown. Because it is in those moments of brokenness that I have come closer to Him, and have been given the strength and the courage to rise above it all. Trust, dear ones. And fear not. Trust in Him, and know that He will guide you in all you do. Our hope is in you, Lord.