Dancing Light

07/31/2012-

    The beautiful maiden walks barefoot through the woods. The moonlight glistens like shattered glass through the trees on the leaves of the ground. She walks aimlessly, with her wandering heart and broken soul. The face of tranquil solitude deceives the truth inside of her that she’s always known. Suddenly, her steps grow lighter as she fixates on the golden light which appears before her. She begins to walk with grace and beauty, her eyes never leaving the radiant presence that leads her through the night. The light grows brighter with each passing moment, surrounding her with warmth, love, depth, peace. The dark of the night falls away as the light leads her to an open pasture next to a lake. Her heart is lighter than ever, filled with hope. She begins to twirl and her feet are guided by the light that holds her close. The moonlight that was once only visible in shattered pieces, stands still on the waters of the lake, full and bright. She dances, with joy. She laughs, and her hair comes undone. The peasants dress falls away, and the light that dances with her clothes her in a gown threaded with the finest silk. A precious jewel in the night.

  'Beloved', the light whispers, 'dance with me'. She never dreamed of stopping. The peasant boy steps out of the woods, and the prince emerges. Without letting go, the light joins the prince with the girl. The light does not step aside, the light grows brighter, surrounding them both. The prince smiles at the maiden. She is lovely, she is loved, by Him. They hold each other close, and the light grows taller, eventually reaching the stars, all the while never leaving them. A gathering of Angels are brought down, as they sing the song of the lover’s dance. The girl is whole, knowing the light never left her. The light never will.

Song by Dara Maclean- Yours Forever http://youtu.be/YicZZtlB30Y

"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."- Luke 23:34

06/19/2012
  Why is forgiveness one of the hardest things to do? I often asked myself that question without ever really even understanding that true love, sacrifice, and forgiveness; died on the cross for our sins. 
         "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Luke 23:34
   I never truly understood that, until today. What started out as a harmless task of clearing the open building at Agule Clinic for the sterilization process to take place, ended up becoming a moment of pure brokenness and despair. As I tossed the rocks to the side, I paid little attention to who or what was around me. My dear friend, Lindsay, was telling me what the Lord had shown her at the church the day before. And while I listened, I aimlessly and without care, tossed a rock without looking up first. I looked up just in time to see the rock shoot, ever so slightly, past her precious face. Fear crept into my heart as I ran over to her and held her close. I shuddered at the thought of what my idle hands could have done to Lindsay's face if it had hit her. She kept reassuring me, "It's alright, it's alright." 
     I walked away, feeling fine at first. But as I tried to keep working through the day, a wave of despair completely consumed my soul. Lord, you are so good, that I now realize it was you beckoning me to rest in your word and seek Truth in this situation. 
    I felt flighty, miserable, disgusting. I looked down at my hands and thought, "I threw that rock. I am a sinner. My hands are the same that have done evil and deceit." How could I have been so careless to not take better care of Lindsay as she was in my presence. I didn't want her to feel unsafe or unloved around me. And I couldn't bear the thought of hurting her. 
    As I sat and prayed to you for wisdom, Lord, I began to see. Just as I had thrown the rock without care in Lindsay's direction, we threw rocks and stones and our pain and hurt at you. And even still, you love us and find favor with us. Lindsay continued to show me love and grace as well. 
    It made me think of my mother. And even my father. For my entire life, it has felt as if they had buried me in a pile of bricks and stones. But I never thought that it was the result of careless love. The result of love that did not know how to love. And while they must pain and hurt for the thought of their sins, I continued to make them feel as I did today; evil, dirty, dumb, shameful. I had not truly forgiven them. And my heart breaks in knowing that in my selfishness, they may still feel this way because they think I have not forgiven them. 

  Lord, I thank you for shaking me today. For looking at me straight into my heart and soul, and revealing the inner truths about myself that I would not have known otherwise. I thank you for guiding that rock, and not allowing it to hurt Lindsay, and showing me that while you allow obstacles to come in our paths, you will never hurt us or give us more than we can handle. I thank you for forgiveness, for forgiving us and loving us unconditionally. I thank you for breaking and healing. I thank you for knowing my desires to be pure, holy, and blameless in your sight. Help me to truly forgive, not for my own understanding, but for theirs as well. When we walk in your light, you do not dwell on our pasts or what we have done. But you love us and help us to push forward. You show us how you see us, as beautiful. Help me to be more like you. My love is always for you, Father. 

Christ, He Teaches

06/18/2012
   My eyes are opened. I am taken aback by how little I had seen and knew before. Lord, I know the vision you have planted in my heart is only just beginning to grow. I didn't know exactly where to begin or how, I only know that I wanted to help. And I praise you for giving me the wise words through your child, Simon. When we visited the first school at Kakusi, I was completely overwhelmed and I could feel my heart leap with a peace and joy that I have only dreamed of. Simon told me that the man who started the school, Michael, was a pastor who he had told three years before, "Begin before you are ready to begin. Begin from nothing." Michael had such a joyful and gentle spirit. And his staff was eager to serve. It was only three years ago that he had started his school., beneath a tree. And looking at how far they had come was incredible.
   Yet, although my heart praised you for this miracle, it also broke for the silent child who watched from a distance on the limbs of a dead tree on the ground as the children learned. I asked Simon if he was in the school. And he said that he could not afford it, but still desired to be in the environment with the others. He desired to learn. For our mere $20 a month, he could attend school for three months.
   That's when it hit me. We have been so blinded into thinking that hunger and health are the most detrimental problems for this country. But just as Christ came to teach us, we have forgotten that these people desire to learn and to have the knowledge and the opportunity to be creative. They hunger to become a generation that can learn and grow. We never stop learning because Jesus desires for us to be wise and learn to live with peace, comfort, joy, and all the fruits of the spirit that will lead to His Kingdom.
   My vision is growing rapidly by the second. "Big things begin from under a tree." Said Michael of his primary school.
   I want to build a community where kids can learn and be creative with their thinking. A community with a clinic, a seminary, a school, and a place for these people to live and grow in Christ. And although the idea may be unbelievable to some, I know you are in control. Guide my mind, guide my spirit, and guide my heart. Help me to not be so selfish and to teach others of your love. That is what our world needs, the love that teaches us and guides us to become stronger people; just as you have done for us.

Day One in Pallisa; Beauty in the Breaking

 06/17/2012  The dirt smudges on the pages as they flipped through my tiny book of scriptures that I heard and written here and there; they were the most beautiful paintings I had ever seen. The young girl would stop and pause every few seconds to try and decipher my sloppy handwriting. In that moment, I wished I had written more in it so that she could see that, I too, share the love of a Father who first loved us. As I sit here and write words on a page, I am chuckling at the greenish yellow stains that are now decoration on the back of my beige skirt. Earlier today, as I sat with the children under the tree, one of the little ones pointed to a squashed mango that I had so carelessly sat down upon. He was trying to tell me to move so I would not get dirty. But I didn't care, because it was in that moment that the Lord had spoken to me: Even in my filth and sin, and even when the world may look at me as I am covered in dirt, the Lord sees me as something beautiful. And as this small child smiled at me and tried to warn me of this, I was also reminded that while the Lord sees us in our filth and finds us as beautiful even so, He is such a giving and faithful God that He washes away our sin because He KNOWS our desire to be clean.
   How many times has He sat there next to me and poured warm water over my cuts and bruises, and gently took the time to clean me with care until I was new again? And how many times had I pulled away or even scolded Him when He tried to clean me because I was prideful or bitter or angry. And every time, whether I was ungrateful or not, He did not leave. Not even after I was cleaned.
   I see rubble, dirt, dust, things that would be seen as unclean in our worldly eyes. And as I stand here in wonder and amazement of His grace and mercy, I know that I have never seen so much beauty, peace, and grace in one place in my entire life. "There is beauty in the breaking, and in the power of getting up again."
   Lord, I thank you for reminding me that broken things are beautiful. I thank you for wiping the dirt from my eyes because you know my desire to see. And I thank you for loving me even when the dirt covers me and for humbling me, not just for my own fulfillment, but to teach me what it means come as I am before you; simple, broken, and beautiful.

Untouchable Love

12/2009 "Untouchable like a distant diamond sky. I'm reaching out and I just can't tell you why. I'm caught up in you, I'm caught up in you. Untouchable burning brighter than the sun, and when you're close I feel like coming undone."
       These are the words that race through my mind every time I think of you. I don't know who you are yet, and as much as my heart longs to find you, if I found you too soon I wouldn't believe you were really real. So I'll wait. I'll wait for the day God brings you into my life. I'll wait for the day when I don't even have to think about it, I'll just know it's you. I believe there is a love that awakens the soul and keeps us reaching out for more. After all, we read about it in storybooks and hear every testimony of love that always seem to flicker a light of hope in our hearts that one day we will find the one that God has beautifully orchestrated us to be with. I imagine it's a feeling unlike any other we could possibly imagine, when we find that person. Someone who shares the same interests, shares all the sentimental moments and laughs with us, someone who thinks of you with the highest respect and love, someone who loves you so deeply because of the love for Christ you share together. I suppose that's why we go through heartbreak and suffering. With every tear we cry, I will smile, for I know that it will be one moment or one tear closer to finding you.
     I am truly sorry for whoever he may be who decides he can be in love with me as well. I am not perfect, my soul is somewhat broken, and I will never function perfectly. But maybe when I finally meet you, I'll discover a love so powerful that God mends the broken heart inside, so that I may be perfect for you.
   So as I sit here and watch the moon and the stars from my bedroom window, I will wait for the person who will one day watch the night sky beside me, and know that God is watching over us always. I know you are out there, I feel you every time I think of when we meet. I have faith. So until that day comes, I'll be waiting, and dancing with the Lord. I'll dream of you, and pray for you, knowing that Christ has placed a love in me for you that will be better than anything I could ever dream of. I know you will be there, I'll be waiting.
           Yours truly,
                           Zandra

Life Begins

"Tattered rags and dust red skin,
That's the product of our sin.
Now everywhere, I see his face,
A sweet reminder of your grace.
I thought I knew what living meant,
But I was dead there on that fence.
That's where you showed me, my life begins
With tattered rags, and dust red skin."
-Poem for the orphans in Uganda

This World is Not Our Home

07/02/2012 

"Like a rose, trampled on the ground. You took the fall, and thought of me, Above all."

 Before I even left America for my trip to Uganda, my biggest prayer to the Lord was that He would have full power to break me inside and out of everything I am and change me according to His will and purpose. I had no earthly clue that He would answer my prayers in ways bigger than I could ever imagine. And I have yet to fully understand the magnitude of His faithfulness and love for me, but my eyes have seen and my ears have heard what He has spoken into my heart and I know I will never be the same. I am still reflecting on every little detail and truth that was revealed to me in the past two weeks. I am drained and exhausted physically and mentally. My body is weary and tired and all I want to do is rest in His arms. And it is difficult for me to put into words exactly what the Lord did in my life and so many others without leaving something out that is imperative to understanding how he truly answered my prayers. So in this time of reflection and discernment, I will gather up my strength to tell you one story that completely changed my heart and my life. This is Okia's story, the story of a lost sheep whom the shepard relentlessly searched for, and by His grace, the sheep was found.

   Upon arriving at the clinic for the first day of work, we were bombarded by children who followed us everywhere and giggled as we would greet them with a warm touch. Each child was different in spirit and form, but every single one of them smiled. Despite the many children who swarmed the clinic grounds, it was not difficult to notice the small boy who would leap into your arms and dance with so much joy and energy that you wondered if he ever grew tired. We met him on the very first day there, and without fail, he tugged on our hearts and left a mark in our lives that will forever remain a powerful memory and encouragement to follow the Lord's word, "Religion that God accepts as pure and faultless is this; to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."~James 1: 27. To tell you everything about this little boy's spirit and heart, would not do justice enough unless one was blessed to be in his presence. I journaled while I was in Africa, every day. One journal entry in particular, I wrote when the Lord showed me His abounding love and mercy through the eyes of this child. That entry is in the next blog. May his story bring you as much grace, peace, and wisdom as it brought to my life. Many blessings to you all!

Okia's Story

06/27/2012

Okia

     "My eyes have seen what my heart could not understand. I have come to a place of rest and peace in the unknown. But the things I have witnessed here have forever changed me from the inside out. It is your voice, Oh Lord, that beckons me. Your voice that comforts me and makes me whole. And I have to know that this precious child will come to know your love in even bigger ways than my earthly mind could ever imagine. Forgive me, Father, for paying little attention to him when we first arrived. I was blind to his cries, and consumed in my own little world that I hardly noticed his jovial spirit when he was in my presence. But I praise you for seeing him, and knowing his heart through and through. 

  As he led us in the dark shadows last night, he guided us to the place where he slept under a tree. William again spoke to him in Atesso (the local language), and asked him to show us how he slept. Okia crawled onto the leaves on the ground, wet with dew, and my heart broke shattered into pieces.

  As we prayed for this young boy, I opened one eye and saw Okia's wide eyes as he smiled at me and reached up. I began to wonder how sin in this world could be so cruel as to leave a child alone and abandoned to care for himself. No one to feed him, no one to bathe him, no one to cure him of this sickness (malaria) that had fallen over his fragile body, no one to comfort him in the night so that he would rest easy. This child had no one. 

                         But Father, He has you.

    I lift your name on high for being with this boy, and knowing him as your own son. Today, my heart sank as the truck drove out of the clinic compound, and I looked out the window to see Okia running after it in his bright blue sandals that we had just brought him from the market. I wanted to jump out and hold him in my arms so that he would know that he was loved and that he mattered to someone. 

  And just as you have always been so faithful to do before, you showed me what a real home for Okia will look like. I saw him, running down an open field with his tattered clothes, smiling with open arms as he giggled and cried out, "Daddy!" And it was you who gathered him up in your loving arms and twirled him around as he laughed with genuine joy and freedom. He was safe and loved.

  So while I feel helpless and hurt because I fear not knowing what will become of him here on Earth, I rest in knowing that Okia has a Father who loves and adores him. This is not our home, and one day when we see you face to face, I will see Okia again, in his Father's home. Lord, comfort him in his time here on Earth. Be with him, and bring him peace. Though he may hunger, fill him with your word and promises of a better home. Though he may tire, renew his strength and give him reason to laugh and be joyful. Though he may feel alone, show yourself to him so that he would know that you walk with him and carry him through everything. Though others may hurt him or ridicule him, shield him from the lies of sin, and make him strong enough to rise up and be a soldier for you, God. I know that it was not your will for Okia to be an orphan, that it is a result of sin in this world, and that just as my heart bleeds and breaks, your heart breaks that much more. But I also know that you have prepared an eternal home for us in your kingdom and you will come back for us. 

  Lord, you are good, and you are my Father. And I will trust in you. For it is you who says, let the children come to me. And it is also you who says you will never leave us nor forsake us. 

        Now that I have seen, I will never be the same. For I have seen that time here on Earth is short, and I have a hope in a future of a permanent home with you in your kingdom. There will be no darkness, only light. I praise you. And I love you, Father, Daddy."-Journaled on June 27, 2012 in Palissa, Uganda;

     Okia is currently an orphan who stays around the area of the clinic that we worked at in Palissa, Uganda. The closest orphanage is about 5 hours (by car) away in Kampala, so we are praying that we can keep in contact with the clinic and our friends who are still in Uganda to find him a good orphanage. Please keep this sweet boy and the orphans of the world in your prayers. "Though my mother and father forsake me, my God you never will."~ Psalm 27:10