"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."- Luke 23:34

06/19/2012
  Why is forgiveness one of the hardest things to do? I often asked myself that question without ever really even understanding that true love, sacrifice, and forgiveness; died on the cross for our sins. 
         "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Luke 23:34
   I never truly understood that, until today. What started out as a harmless task of clearing the open building at Agule Clinic for the sterilization process to take place, ended up becoming a moment of pure brokenness and despair. As I tossed the rocks to the side, I paid little attention to who or what was around me. My dear friend, Lindsay, was telling me what the Lord had shown her at the church the day before. And while I listened, I aimlessly and without care, tossed a rock without looking up first. I looked up just in time to see the rock shoot, ever so slightly, past her precious face. Fear crept into my heart as I ran over to her and held her close. I shuddered at the thought of what my idle hands could have done to Lindsay's face if it had hit her. She kept reassuring me, "It's alright, it's alright." 
     I walked away, feeling fine at first. But as I tried to keep working through the day, a wave of despair completely consumed my soul. Lord, you are so good, that I now realize it was you beckoning me to rest in your word and seek Truth in this situation. 
    I felt flighty, miserable, disgusting. I looked down at my hands and thought, "I threw that rock. I am a sinner. My hands are the same that have done evil and deceit." How could I have been so careless to not take better care of Lindsay as she was in my presence. I didn't want her to feel unsafe or unloved around me. And I couldn't bear the thought of hurting her. 
    As I sat and prayed to you for wisdom, Lord, I began to see. Just as I had thrown the rock without care in Lindsay's direction, we threw rocks and stones and our pain and hurt at you. And even still, you love us and find favor with us. Lindsay continued to show me love and grace as well. 
    It made me think of my mother. And even my father. For my entire life, it has felt as if they had buried me in a pile of bricks and stones. But I never thought that it was the result of careless love. The result of love that did not know how to love. And while they must pain and hurt for the thought of their sins, I continued to make them feel as I did today; evil, dirty, dumb, shameful. I had not truly forgiven them. And my heart breaks in knowing that in my selfishness, they may still feel this way because they think I have not forgiven them. 

  Lord, I thank you for shaking me today. For looking at me straight into my heart and soul, and revealing the inner truths about myself that I would not have known otherwise. I thank you for guiding that rock, and not allowing it to hurt Lindsay, and showing me that while you allow obstacles to come in our paths, you will never hurt us or give us more than we can handle. I thank you for forgiveness, for forgiving us and loving us unconditionally. I thank you for breaking and healing. I thank you for knowing my desires to be pure, holy, and blameless in your sight. Help me to truly forgive, not for my own understanding, but for theirs as well. When we walk in your light, you do not dwell on our pasts or what we have done. But you love us and help us to push forward. You show us how you see us, as beautiful. Help me to be more like you. My love is always for you, Father.