Leave it all behind

12/18/2012
"If I saw you on the street, and you said come and follow me, would I have to give up everything? All I once held dear, and all of my dreams? Would I love you enough to let go? Or would my love run dry when you ask for my life?"
     Tonight I drove up to the my spot again, on the top floor of the parking garage. I usually go there to think and clear my head; Gainesville stars are just so incredibly beautiful when all the world is quiet. There's been so much I've struggled with lately, it's felt like a raging war inside of me for so long that there are times when I can actually feel the burn come to the surface-and I just break. Like I did as soon as I let my face fall into my hands as my head rested on the steering wheel. Numbing emptiness, and tears of chaos and  confusion. "Where are you, God?" I demanded.
    I was so angry with Him, and I wanted to hear him. Yet no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't hear a thing.

But just as He has proven to be so faithful before, Sidewalk Prophets started singing the words to the song You Can Have Me on the radio. And I heard him- for the first time in a long time. I stopped at these words:

"Would I love you enough to let go?"

   ...That's when it hit me.
"Jesus....do I?"

      That numbing emptiness was almost instantly replaced by uncontrollable sobbing and tears as I felt His grace, His mercy, His healing powers of redemption and forgiveness wash over me. I remembered that prayer I used to pray every night- "Take it all, it's all yours, I want to give you everything." I felt my walls come crashing to the ground as the song played on. Because I realized that I was holding on to so many things that had become idols in my life. Things that I don't think I was prepared to lose. And lately I've been so bitter, because I felt like I had lost so much. But was it really that much?

 I felt like I lost my mom to depression and an unhealthy relationship with another man. I struggled with my health because of the asthma that posed a challenge to my future career in the Navy and in my life. I spent countless sleepless nights losing so much energy and longing to go back to Africa to see my little orphan boy, Okia. I fell in love with someone who I trusted and felt that God had told me to never give up on him, only to watch him change into someone I didn't know and someone who broke my heart without ever realizing it. I started to realize more things about myself that I couldn't see before, things that I had stuffed away over the years and didn't truly take the time to heal and forgive people in my life who had hurt me growing up. So much more that I clung to as they all just slipped through my fingers.

All of these things that paled in comparison to you. I needed to learn to give not just some things up, but even the things that I thought I had desired most in this life. I think I had given so much time and energy trying to hold on and keep these things for as long as I could, because they brought me moments of joy before. But see, the point was never to hold on to those things, but to see Jesus in every single one of those people, conversations, smiles, every laugh, every memory- and to be reminded how He loved me in those moments. And how even though those things are gone, He stayed. He is the precious that is extracted from every moment in your life that is gone and passed. And those little reminders of hope and love are the fuel that keeps us going, the building blocks of our heart that makes us the Angel or the warrior of His here on this Earth.

 Learn to let go of those things. Learn to cherish life in every moment with the promise in your heart that you are prepared to give it up to Him when it's time to surrender everything, EVERYTHING, to the one who carries you through.

Let go, and let God.

As I was leaving the garage, Casting Crowns started playing on the radio with the song The Well.
"Your pursuit of perfection.
Your fear of rejection.
Your temporary pleasures.
All your earthly treasures.
Dried up empty religion.
Rusty chains of addiction.
All the guilt that weighs you down
Just leave it all behind- And come to the well."

               So that's what I did. I left if all behind. Jesus, it's yours. And I'm coming to the Well<3

The Fighter

The battle came so suddenly

Unexpected fearfully,

But I stood ready on my feet.

The stone was laid upon my hand

The warriors cry through all the land

Rang for all to hear your name

So brave and valiant was the one who stood by faith

To cry to you to meet her in the hiding place

Chorus:

I'm a fighter, but I'm not quite a winner

Cause' when I fall two thousand steps below my feet

I stand up on one step, and fall down to another

I was bound in chains until you set me free,

It's like the world is saying you can't have faith in the things you cannot see

So make me a fighter, In the fight to believe

The drums played on that open field

Armies marched but none could feel

The cries of children in the dark

The war inside our hearts rage on

Waiting for the break of dawn

But no one stands up and the darkness just drags on

What will it take to make your heroes rise again

To lead the broken nations to the promised land?

Chorus

The Straight and Narrow Road

Today was… rough. I went to bed last night knowing exactly how my schedule would go, when and where I needed to be, what I needed to do. I had it all figured out. Or so I thought. That’s when my world started to cave in; everything went wrong. And in the midst of all the chaos and the troubles that seemed to bury me in a pile of bricks, I heard that still small voice. Beloved, trust in me. Familiarity, beauty, grace. That’s what He offers me every time. I seem to so easily forget that even when I think I have everything figured out, I need Him to hold me together when the inevitable and erratic turns my clouds to gray. Once again, I was brought to my knees in humble adoration. Nothing will ever be constant, things will always change. But the love of the Father who adores His daughter, will always remain the same.

                The thoughts creep into my mind on a daily basis. Who will I be, what will I do, where will I go? Who will I marry? Will my children be happy? How will I pay this off? Will I pass this exam? The minor issues all the way to the life changing questions and everything far and in between; the enemy seeks to steal our minds and capture our hearts. He comes to steal, kill, and destroy. And there are many times when he believes he has won.

                He will never win, for Christ has already overcome the world. But I refuse to even allow him to believe he was ever close to having the victory over my heart.

                To wrap this all up into one concluding thought, I want you to understand that even though I was able to get up physically after being brought to my knees earlier today, I have been and continue to remain spiritually before the throne, on my knees, in a state of surrender. When I made the decision to travel the straight and narrow road, I had no idea that the road would literally become narrower and narrower as I kept walking. But I also did not realize that the road would become brighter, and that the face of the Savior would be more and more present everywhere I turned. In this world, we will have tribulation. We will be brought to our knees time and time again, only to be strengthened even more for what lies up ahead. The word brings us back to this truth. There has not been a point lately that I’ve been able to fully recover. And I don’t believe I ever will, especially if I tried to do it on my own. But the beauty lies in His power when we realize we are not in control, but it is Him in us that guides our every move. I wait on Him, kneeling down at His feet; broken and redeemed. I could stay on my knees forever knowing that I can rest, and He will move through me. 

Looking Forward

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”

  There have been so many times in my life that I’ve anticipated the worst. Anytime something good comes along the way, I can get so fearful of how it will end in flames that I forget to praise Jesus for every blessing that He has brought to my life. And in the blink of an eye, it’s gone. Does anything last anymore? Is there any kind of happiness that is meant to be forever? I’ve lived my life through the trials and the storms, believing that I am unworthy, not deserving, and incapable of being loved in a way that is unconditional and true.  Only when I come back to the cross do I hear the sweetest voice of a Savior say, "Beloved, you are mine." HE, He is here to stay.

      I’m learning to rejoice for the good times, to be strong towards the end, and to set my gaze on the beauty from up above. 

Take the Lead

Will you take the lead
Will you take my hand
Would you show me all the untold beauty of this land
Can you make me move
With all that I've gone through
Can you be the hope that points me to the risen truth
Will you take the lead


I miss your smile that made the world fall away
And I miss your touch that wrapped me in a warm embrace
But still I have to trust that there's a God above
Who leads me by the waters of His everlasting love
And I know while I wait, when I can hardly breathe
I will pray for hope in every hope that is unseen
The memories of our days, replaying in my mind
The promise of a future that'll someday fall in line

Will you take the lead
Will you take my hand
Would you show me all the untold beauty of this land
Can you make me move
With all that I've gone through
Can you be the hope that points me to the risen truth
Will you take the lead

The Portion of Eternity

“Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, ‘Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.’ But the Lord answered her, ‘Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.’”~Luke 10:38

                For me to be able to explain where I’m at in my life right now, I need you to understand the story of these two sisters right here. As Christians, there are so many times in our lives that we lead a double life. We put on two different faces; one for the surface, and one for the inner being that cries out for help. We wear a smile that hides away all the pain, all the suffering, all the desires in our hearts to feel whole and renewed. And to top it all off, we distract ourselves with the desires of the flesh and the teachings of the world, all in an effort to serve and be recognized for it. We live with pride, and instead of crying out to our savior and realizing how much we need Him to renew us, we fill up our schedules and our lives with more than we can handle, just to feel like we’re accomplishing something great. This life is the life of Martha. This is my life.

                I am run down and weary. I feel spiritually drained and mentally and physically exhausted. I’ve been running towards the prize that Jesus has laid before me on my path. But instead of resting in His promises and enjoying every moment with my saviour, I’ve been so distracted with trying to do as much as I possibly can to serve, that I forgot how precious and sweet my time with Christ is. And in that moment of forgetting, I’ve come to a place of brokenness, and I didn’t know how to get back. It wasn’t until I opened my Bible this morning to read this scripture that the Lord spoke to me. “Martha, Martha, you are ANXIOUS and TROUBLED about many things. But one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the GOOD portion, which will not be taken from her.”

                Martha was just trying to do her best, right? Serving as much as she could. But Mary, Mary understood that our lives are meant to be more than just what the world sees as being righteous. Mary understood that while the rest of the world will fall away, the Word of God will always stand true. Mary knew that when her time came to stand before the throne, there was and is nothing in this life that she could do to earn her way into the kingdom of heaven. She knew that knowing the Savior and knowing His love and his truths; this is what would last for eternity.

‘Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.’ How many times have I put my hope in everything BUT the one who lived and died for me?  I want to serve with a heart of joy, and I want to choose the good portion. I want to live my life knowing I’ve chosen Him over great works and deeds. Because great works and good deeds will one day be forgotten, and they will fall away. But His love and His teachings will carry on in my heart for eternity. Lord, help me to choose the good portion. Help me not to serve and become distracted by how well I can serve, or how much I can serve. Help me to serve with a heart that is restful and at peace. Help me to come to your Word and seek you in everything I do, even before I attempt to do it. Help me to live like Mary, resting at your feet, and sitting still. Help me to sit still, so that I may LISTEN and hear you. 

Learning to Trust

      A broken heart that has been pried into by a million different keys that left the lock worn away and rusted; this is the kind of heart that is only mended by a God who is sovereign. He sees the depths of our hearts. He knows every corner, every crack in the walls, every door that has been opened and slammed shut after the dark tried to seal it up forever. We are left broken and desolate by those who we once trusted. The idols in our lives and the things we put our hope in that left us empty. Trust is a four letter word that seems so simple rolling off the tongue, and yet so complex and misunderstood when it applies to our individual lives. I have trusted, and I have let people in. And I have been left with a heart that was ravaged and torn one too many times to even begin to understand. Even still, every time I try and run from the one thing that has always been constant, Jesus Christ stands there before the cross, in all His glory, lifting my face towards the heaven, and whispers over me,"Peace, be still."
My hope has been in so many different things throughout my life; in people, in idols, in thoughts, in pleasures. But none can or ever will compare to the hope and peace I find in my beautiful Lord. Trust? One of the hardest things on this earth, for me. Trusting in Jesus Christ? It's what has saved my life, every day. I have learned that people will dissappoint, because we are human. I have learned that idols will fail us, because they will never be real. I have learned that pleasures of this world will leave us empty, because they are not eternal. Everything in this world is meaningless without hope in Christ. He is our strength, our peace, our perservance. He is our reason for running the race when we feel weak. As solomon repeats over and over again in Ecclesiastes, the desires of the flesh are meaningless unless they are rooted in Christ. "Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun."~Ecclesiastes 2:11. My prayer is and always will be that my desires are from God and God alone.
When I am brought to my knees, when the tears fall forth, and when the aches in my heart are too much to bear, I am always reminded that my hope and my trust is first and foremost in Him who will never leave nor forsake me. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."~Proverbs 3:5-6. So while trust may seem impossible to those who have been broken countless times; when we learn to trust in the Lord above all else, we learn to put our hope in the only One who deserves our trust. We allow him to mend our broken hearts, and to teach us to love again, more passionately and stronger than before. He has taught me to guard my heart, but to also never fear brokenness or the unknown. Because it is in those moments of brokenness that I have come closer to Him, and have been given the strength and the courage to rise above it all. Trust, dear ones. And fear not. Trust in Him, and know that He will guide you in all you do. Our hope is in you, Lord.

Dancing Light

07/31/2012-

    The beautiful maiden walks barefoot through the woods. The moonlight glistens like shattered glass through the trees on the leaves of the ground. She walks aimlessly, with her wandering heart and broken soul. The face of tranquil solitude deceives the truth inside of her that she’s always known. Suddenly, her steps grow lighter as she fixates on the golden light which appears before her. She begins to walk with grace and beauty, her eyes never leaving the radiant presence that leads her through the night. The light grows brighter with each passing moment, surrounding her with warmth, love, depth, peace. The dark of the night falls away as the light leads her to an open pasture next to a lake. Her heart is lighter than ever, filled with hope. She begins to twirl and her feet are guided by the light that holds her close. The moonlight that was once only visible in shattered pieces, stands still on the waters of the lake, full and bright. She dances, with joy. She laughs, and her hair comes undone. The peasants dress falls away, and the light that dances with her clothes her in a gown threaded with the finest silk. A precious jewel in the night.

  'Beloved', the light whispers, 'dance with me'. She never dreamed of stopping. The peasant boy steps out of the woods, and the prince emerges. Without letting go, the light joins the prince with the girl. The light does not step aside, the light grows brighter, surrounding them both. The prince smiles at the maiden. She is lovely, she is loved, by Him. They hold each other close, and the light grows taller, eventually reaching the stars, all the while never leaving them. A gathering of Angels are brought down, as they sing the song of the lover’s dance. The girl is whole, knowing the light never left her. The light never will.

Song by Dara Maclean- Yours Forever http://youtu.be/YicZZtlB30Y

"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."- Luke 23:34

06/19/2012
  Why is forgiveness one of the hardest things to do? I often asked myself that question without ever really even understanding that true love, sacrifice, and forgiveness; died on the cross for our sins. 
         "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Luke 23:34
   I never truly understood that, until today. What started out as a harmless task of clearing the open building at Agule Clinic for the sterilization process to take place, ended up becoming a moment of pure brokenness and despair. As I tossed the rocks to the side, I paid little attention to who or what was around me. My dear friend, Lindsay, was telling me what the Lord had shown her at the church the day before. And while I listened, I aimlessly and without care, tossed a rock without looking up first. I looked up just in time to see the rock shoot, ever so slightly, past her precious face. Fear crept into my heart as I ran over to her and held her close. I shuddered at the thought of what my idle hands could have done to Lindsay's face if it had hit her. She kept reassuring me, "It's alright, it's alright." 
     I walked away, feeling fine at first. But as I tried to keep working through the day, a wave of despair completely consumed my soul. Lord, you are so good, that I now realize it was you beckoning me to rest in your word and seek Truth in this situation. 
    I felt flighty, miserable, disgusting. I looked down at my hands and thought, "I threw that rock. I am a sinner. My hands are the same that have done evil and deceit." How could I have been so careless to not take better care of Lindsay as she was in my presence. I didn't want her to feel unsafe or unloved around me. And I couldn't bear the thought of hurting her. 
    As I sat and prayed to you for wisdom, Lord, I began to see. Just as I had thrown the rock without care in Lindsay's direction, we threw rocks and stones and our pain and hurt at you. And even still, you love us and find favor with us. Lindsay continued to show me love and grace as well. 
    It made me think of my mother. And even my father. For my entire life, it has felt as if they had buried me in a pile of bricks and stones. But I never thought that it was the result of careless love. The result of love that did not know how to love. And while they must pain and hurt for the thought of their sins, I continued to make them feel as I did today; evil, dirty, dumb, shameful. I had not truly forgiven them. And my heart breaks in knowing that in my selfishness, they may still feel this way because they think I have not forgiven them. 

  Lord, I thank you for shaking me today. For looking at me straight into my heart and soul, and revealing the inner truths about myself that I would not have known otherwise. I thank you for guiding that rock, and not allowing it to hurt Lindsay, and showing me that while you allow obstacles to come in our paths, you will never hurt us or give us more than we can handle. I thank you for forgiveness, for forgiving us and loving us unconditionally. I thank you for breaking and healing. I thank you for knowing my desires to be pure, holy, and blameless in your sight. Help me to truly forgive, not for my own understanding, but for theirs as well. When we walk in your light, you do not dwell on our pasts or what we have done. But you love us and help us to push forward. You show us how you see us, as beautiful. Help me to be more like you. My love is always for you, Father. 

Christ, He Teaches

06/18/2012
   My eyes are opened. I am taken aback by how little I had seen and knew before. Lord, I know the vision you have planted in my heart is only just beginning to grow. I didn't know exactly where to begin or how, I only know that I wanted to help. And I praise you for giving me the wise words through your child, Simon. When we visited the first school at Kakusi, I was completely overwhelmed and I could feel my heart leap with a peace and joy that I have only dreamed of. Simon told me that the man who started the school, Michael, was a pastor who he had told three years before, "Begin before you are ready to begin. Begin from nothing." Michael had such a joyful and gentle spirit. And his staff was eager to serve. It was only three years ago that he had started his school., beneath a tree. And looking at how far they had come was incredible.
   Yet, although my heart praised you for this miracle, it also broke for the silent child who watched from a distance on the limbs of a dead tree on the ground as the children learned. I asked Simon if he was in the school. And he said that he could not afford it, but still desired to be in the environment with the others. He desired to learn. For our mere $20 a month, he could attend school for three months.
   That's when it hit me. We have been so blinded into thinking that hunger and health are the most detrimental problems for this country. But just as Christ came to teach us, we have forgotten that these people desire to learn and to have the knowledge and the opportunity to be creative. They hunger to become a generation that can learn and grow. We never stop learning because Jesus desires for us to be wise and learn to live with peace, comfort, joy, and all the fruits of the spirit that will lead to His Kingdom.
   My vision is growing rapidly by the second. "Big things begin from under a tree." Said Michael of his primary school.
   I want to build a community where kids can learn and be creative with their thinking. A community with a clinic, a seminary, a school, and a place for these people to live and grow in Christ. And although the idea may be unbelievable to some, I know you are in control. Guide my mind, guide my spirit, and guide my heart. Help me to not be so selfish and to teach others of your love. That is what our world needs, the love that teaches us and guides us to become stronger people; just as you have done for us.

Day One in Pallisa; Beauty in the Breaking

 06/17/2012  The dirt smudges on the pages as they flipped through my tiny book of scriptures that I heard and written here and there; they were the most beautiful paintings I had ever seen. The young girl would stop and pause every few seconds to try and decipher my sloppy handwriting. In that moment, I wished I had written more in it so that she could see that, I too, share the love of a Father who first loved us. As I sit here and write words on a page, I am chuckling at the greenish yellow stains that are now decoration on the back of my beige skirt. Earlier today, as I sat with the children under the tree, one of the little ones pointed to a squashed mango that I had so carelessly sat down upon. He was trying to tell me to move so I would not get dirty. But I didn't care, because it was in that moment that the Lord had spoken to me: Even in my filth and sin, and even when the world may look at me as I am covered in dirt, the Lord sees me as something beautiful. And as this small child smiled at me and tried to warn me of this, I was also reminded that while the Lord sees us in our filth and finds us as beautiful even so, He is such a giving and faithful God that He washes away our sin because He KNOWS our desire to be clean.
   How many times has He sat there next to me and poured warm water over my cuts and bruises, and gently took the time to clean me with care until I was new again? And how many times had I pulled away or even scolded Him when He tried to clean me because I was prideful or bitter or angry. And every time, whether I was ungrateful or not, He did not leave. Not even after I was cleaned.
   I see rubble, dirt, dust, things that would be seen as unclean in our worldly eyes. And as I stand here in wonder and amazement of His grace and mercy, I know that I have never seen so much beauty, peace, and grace in one place in my entire life. "There is beauty in the breaking, and in the power of getting up again."
   Lord, I thank you for reminding me that broken things are beautiful. I thank you for wiping the dirt from my eyes because you know my desire to see. And I thank you for loving me even when the dirt covers me and for humbling me, not just for my own fulfillment, but to teach me what it means come as I am before you; simple, broken, and beautiful.

Untouchable Love

12/2009 "Untouchable like a distant diamond sky. I'm reaching out and I just can't tell you why. I'm caught up in you, I'm caught up in you. Untouchable burning brighter than the sun, and when you're close I feel like coming undone."
       These are the words that race through my mind every time I think of you. I don't know who you are yet, and as much as my heart longs to find you, if I found you too soon I wouldn't believe you were really real. So I'll wait. I'll wait for the day God brings you into my life. I'll wait for the day when I don't even have to think about it, I'll just know it's you. I believe there is a love that awakens the soul and keeps us reaching out for more. After all, we read about it in storybooks and hear every testimony of love that always seem to flicker a light of hope in our hearts that one day we will find the one that God has beautifully orchestrated us to be with. I imagine it's a feeling unlike any other we could possibly imagine, when we find that person. Someone who shares the same interests, shares all the sentimental moments and laughs with us, someone who thinks of you with the highest respect and love, someone who loves you so deeply because of the love for Christ you share together. I suppose that's why we go through heartbreak and suffering. With every tear we cry, I will smile, for I know that it will be one moment or one tear closer to finding you.
     I am truly sorry for whoever he may be who decides he can be in love with me as well. I am not perfect, my soul is somewhat broken, and I will never function perfectly. But maybe when I finally meet you, I'll discover a love so powerful that God mends the broken heart inside, so that I may be perfect for you.
   So as I sit here and watch the moon and the stars from my bedroom window, I will wait for the person who will one day watch the night sky beside me, and know that God is watching over us always. I know you are out there, I feel you every time I think of when we meet. I have faith. So until that day comes, I'll be waiting, and dancing with the Lord. I'll dream of you, and pray for you, knowing that Christ has placed a love in me for you that will be better than anything I could ever dream of. I know you will be there, I'll be waiting.
           Yours truly,
                           Zandra

Life Begins

"Tattered rags and dust red skin,
That's the product of our sin.
Now everywhere, I see his face,
A sweet reminder of your grace.
I thought I knew what living meant,
But I was dead there on that fence.
That's where you showed me, my life begins
With tattered rags, and dust red skin."
-Poem for the orphans in Uganda

This World is Not Our Home

07/02/2012 

"Like a rose, trampled on the ground. You took the fall, and thought of me, Above all."

 Before I even left America for my trip to Uganda, my biggest prayer to the Lord was that He would have full power to break me inside and out of everything I am and change me according to His will and purpose. I had no earthly clue that He would answer my prayers in ways bigger than I could ever imagine. And I have yet to fully understand the magnitude of His faithfulness and love for me, but my eyes have seen and my ears have heard what He has spoken into my heart and I know I will never be the same. I am still reflecting on every little detail and truth that was revealed to me in the past two weeks. I am drained and exhausted physically and mentally. My body is weary and tired and all I want to do is rest in His arms. And it is difficult for me to put into words exactly what the Lord did in my life and so many others without leaving something out that is imperative to understanding how he truly answered my prayers. So in this time of reflection and discernment, I will gather up my strength to tell you one story that completely changed my heart and my life. This is Okia's story, the story of a lost sheep whom the shepard relentlessly searched for, and by His grace, the sheep was found.

   Upon arriving at the clinic for the first day of work, we were bombarded by children who followed us everywhere and giggled as we would greet them with a warm touch. Each child was different in spirit and form, but every single one of them smiled. Despite the many children who swarmed the clinic grounds, it was not difficult to notice the small boy who would leap into your arms and dance with so much joy and energy that you wondered if he ever grew tired. We met him on the very first day there, and without fail, he tugged on our hearts and left a mark in our lives that will forever remain a powerful memory and encouragement to follow the Lord's word, "Religion that God accepts as pure and faultless is this; to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."~James 1: 27. To tell you everything about this little boy's spirit and heart, would not do justice enough unless one was blessed to be in his presence. I journaled while I was in Africa, every day. One journal entry in particular, I wrote when the Lord showed me His abounding love and mercy through the eyes of this child. That entry is in the next blog. May his story bring you as much grace, peace, and wisdom as it brought to my life. Many blessings to you all!

Okia's Story

06/27/2012

Okia

     "My eyes have seen what my heart could not understand. I have come to a place of rest and peace in the unknown. But the things I have witnessed here have forever changed me from the inside out. It is your voice, Oh Lord, that beckons me. Your voice that comforts me and makes me whole. And I have to know that this precious child will come to know your love in even bigger ways than my earthly mind could ever imagine. Forgive me, Father, for paying little attention to him when we first arrived. I was blind to his cries, and consumed in my own little world that I hardly noticed his jovial spirit when he was in my presence. But I praise you for seeing him, and knowing his heart through and through. 

  As he led us in the dark shadows last night, he guided us to the place where he slept under a tree. William again spoke to him in Atesso (the local language), and asked him to show us how he slept. Okia crawled onto the leaves on the ground, wet with dew, and my heart broke shattered into pieces.

  As we prayed for this young boy, I opened one eye and saw Okia's wide eyes as he smiled at me and reached up. I began to wonder how sin in this world could be so cruel as to leave a child alone and abandoned to care for himself. No one to feed him, no one to bathe him, no one to cure him of this sickness (malaria) that had fallen over his fragile body, no one to comfort him in the night so that he would rest easy. This child had no one. 

                         But Father, He has you.

    I lift your name on high for being with this boy, and knowing him as your own son. Today, my heart sank as the truck drove out of the clinic compound, and I looked out the window to see Okia running after it in his bright blue sandals that we had just brought him from the market. I wanted to jump out and hold him in my arms so that he would know that he was loved and that he mattered to someone. 

  And just as you have always been so faithful to do before, you showed me what a real home for Okia will look like. I saw him, running down an open field with his tattered clothes, smiling with open arms as he giggled and cried out, "Daddy!" And it was you who gathered him up in your loving arms and twirled him around as he laughed with genuine joy and freedom. He was safe and loved.

  So while I feel helpless and hurt because I fear not knowing what will become of him here on Earth, I rest in knowing that Okia has a Father who loves and adores him. This is not our home, and one day when we see you face to face, I will see Okia again, in his Father's home. Lord, comfort him in his time here on Earth. Be with him, and bring him peace. Though he may hunger, fill him with your word and promises of a better home. Though he may tire, renew his strength and give him reason to laugh and be joyful. Though he may feel alone, show yourself to him so that he would know that you walk with him and carry him through everything. Though others may hurt him or ridicule him, shield him from the lies of sin, and make him strong enough to rise up and be a soldier for you, God. I know that it was not your will for Okia to be an orphan, that it is a result of sin in this world, and that just as my heart bleeds and breaks, your heart breaks that much more. But I also know that you have prepared an eternal home for us in your kingdom and you will come back for us. 

  Lord, you are good, and you are my Father. And I will trust in you. For it is you who says, let the children come to me. And it is also you who says you will never leave us nor forsake us. 

        Now that I have seen, I will never be the same. For I have seen that time here on Earth is short, and I have a hope in a future of a permanent home with you in your kingdom. There will be no darkness, only light. I praise you. And I love you, Father, Daddy."-Journaled on June 27, 2012 in Palissa, Uganda;

     Okia is currently an orphan who stays around the area of the clinic that we worked at in Palissa, Uganda. The closest orphanage is about 5 hours (by car) away in Kampala, so we are praying that we can keep in contact with the clinic and our friends who are still in Uganda to find him a good orphanage. Please keep this sweet boy and the orphans of the world in your prayers. "Though my mother and father forsake me, my God you never will."~ Psalm 27:10

All to See

Verse 1:

Could you use me, for something bigger than this

Cause I was right here, holding my hands out for love, for your works, for your will

Still I believed in the strength of my world

Before even letting you in

I could’ve sworn then, I’d never let go of your voice in my heart

And like a flash of light, I found myself down on my knees begging God would you please

Show me the plans that you had for my life

I long for the will to begin

Chorus:

Rise up the nations, empty my heart of darkness that led them astray

I still see the vision you planted in me, to lead them to a brighter day

And Oh Lord, while I still fear giving you all of me

I pray that your love will shine through me, for all of the nations to see

Verse 2:

Sweetly broken, breaking the mold that they made around me

For I am yours Lord, fearfully wonderfully made for your works, for your will

It doesn’t matter how big or how small

I’m ready to answer your call

Rise up the nations, empty my heart of darkness that led them astray

I still see the vision you planted in me, to lead them to a brighter day

And Oh Lord, while I still fear giving you all of me

I pray that your love will shine through me, for all of the nations to see

I was not worthy of your love

And still you believed in me

I am of the least of them

But faith has washed away all of my sin

Humble me Lord, will you use me

For so much greater than this

Revive my soul of the longing

To serve even when I am down on my knees

Chorus

God-breathed

This is a song about letting God into your heart, but actually using the dark parts of your past to inspire others and to lead them to Christ. You have a story that is larger than life. And His message has been waiting to be heard through you, the day HE breathed you into life. Check it out! :)


Verse 1:
So you think you've got it all figured  out
you strut your stuff that's what it's all about, right
singing your heart out like you've done before
the truth inside you cuts you to the core
and oh you've shut the door on all of your past your hurt your shame
but don't you know you've gotta let go and let your memories bring them to life again
Chorus:
You've got a story
that's larger than life
the dark will come runnin'
but don't you dare hide
pick up your cross and lead them to light
thousands await you
what a beautiful sight
hold up your head let your love shine bright
his truth was unveiled the day God breathed you to life
Verse 2:
Your faith is shakin' as you start to write
your life before you then you take the mike
His words have never been so loud and true
they look up wonderin whats there left to do
So go shout out the news
show them they're gonna make it through
your cuts and your scars will never undo, but they were worth the light that broke through you

Bridge
God breathed you into life
What a glorious sight
And one day He will come
hotter than any sun
And the ones that He loves
they will rise up above
As for you, don't you see?
It's all part of your destiny?

Chorus X2

Faith Like Potatoes

To live with the kind of faith that can move mountains; what a beautiful way to live that would be. My faith is as small as the mustard seed. It is as dry as the plains of the Sahara desert. And it is as weak as the man who struggles yet does not call out for help. I am convicted today of that which God has lain on my heart.  Oh Lord, you know the depths of my heart. I pray that you will plant a faith in me that will bear a harvest that is larger than the sea, wider than the valleys, and higher than the heavenly skies. I pray that you will use me in every way possible. I am of the least of them, and I am not worthy of your love. And still you love me in a way that I will never be able to reciprocate or even begin to understand.

                A few days ago, I was hiking on a 4 mile trail up the beautiful Carolina mountains of Asheville with my mother and my younger sister. As we walked, I began to wonder why is it that even though I had given to my life to Christ, I was still stuck in a dry spell. I had little faith that was not strong enough to see past the little struggles in life. And I wanted so desperately for God to use me for a bigger purpose, yet I did not know how. I was stuck. There are two things you should know about me. One, I am the most stubborn and prideful and arrogant person you will ever know, and I tend to let my pride keep me from truly understanding lessons that God sends my way, even when they are for my own good. And two, I know this about myself, and so I often try to find signs from God that reassure me that despite my foolish ways,  there is still hope for me, and everything is going to be just fine. Whether it be in a song, a voice in my head, or an act of nature, if I allow my heart to be open to His word, I am renewed by it every single time. That day, I found two signs of His love, both of which I allowed into my heart for the simple fact that I was dry. But oh, God had a bigger meaning and a bigger message to be struck into my heart than I had even realized.

                The first sign came in the form of a gracious and beautiful act of nature. In my life, I have had very few encounters with the red-chested Robin. And each time I do see one, it means something good is on its way. I can’t exactly explain to you in detail what has happened each time. But to me, a Robin is a symbol of peace and good fortune. One very special time in my life, was when I decided to spend an entire weekend with the Lord, Jesus Christ. I locked myself in my room, plugged the headphones in my ear to fill my heart and soul with songs of worship, and read through the entire book, Captivating, written by Stasi Eldredge about the heart of a woman in Christ. The most intimate and passionate moment in my entire life happened in that room that Saturday night, as I let the tears fall forth, almost as if the Lord had opened up the floodgates of Heaven. I was mesmerized. The next morning, I awoke to the beautiful and sweet melody of nearly, I kid you not, a hundred red-chested robins singing in the trees right outside my bedroom window. You may be wondering why this is relevant to the story. But you see, I had forgotten that moment in my life when I was at peace within me. That moment when I had truly surrendered myself to God because I believed that He was in control. So as the graceful Robin flew before me on the path as we walked, I was given hope that I would return to my God so much sooner than I had anticipated.

                The second sign proceeding the first was none other than the voice of Christ, himself. I walked along the path silently asking God to reveal something to me. I wanted Him to speak to me and to show me what He wanted of me. I was so selfish and demanded of Him to show me, show ME! As if I had any right to ask any more of Him than to thank Him for everything He had done for me and for this world. But God is so gracious and so kind and so loving, that He so loves to hear the desires of our heart. Ask, and it shall be given to you, He says. (Matthew 7:7) In my short conversation with God that day on the path, I asked Him this one simple question, “Why have you not used me yet, in the way I’ve always dreamed of?” I had dreamed of leading thousands of people to Christ, and being a voice of faith that He could use me to raise the dead, to bring about rain in a drought, and to feed a nation of people who hunger for food and for love. My dream was to become an evangelist that was half the woman that Mother Theresa was, who was one of the truest examples of a follower of Christ that this world has ever seen.
                Can you imagine my surprise when I heard His voice in my mind with the answer? I mean, it was so unexpected that I literally stopped and paused in my tracks. My mother turned around to urge me to keep going, and so I did. But I was mind blown by His answer. He simply answered with this,

“My child, I desire to use you to turn this world upside down. But it is not enough to be capable of that kind of faith. You have to open your heart, and accept that kind of faith.”

                Dear Lord, hadn’t I already opened up my heart? I wondered. He smiled down on me and said one last thing, “Once before, you had.” I left the path at the end of the hike back down the mountain that day, not really letting His words sink into my heart. That was the end of that.

                Tonight, I returned to that conversation on the path. Yesterday, I started an online bible college and completed my first lesson. And one of the scriptures I read as a part of the lesson titled, You and the Bible, read this, “Seek the Lord, and his strength. Seek his face continually.” (1 Chronicles 16:11) Tonight and yesterday night, I have sat here on the floor reading the Word and crying like a baby as I have continually cried out to God, I am so deeply sorry Lord that it took me this long to come back to you. I am being sweetly broken, once more. And to be broken of my ways and who this world has molded me to be is one of the sweetest and most gracious gifts the Lord has ever bestowed upon me.

 My brothers and sisters, I so desire to be used for the Lord in a way that heals broken lands and tends to orphans and widows around the world. I long to reach out to the lost of this world and preach the good news of our Savior, the one who rescues us and gives us new life, if we let Him! The Lord created each of us, fearfully and wonderfully made, with a purpose. And no matter how small or how big it may seem to the world, to Him, your purpose is far greater than our humanly minds can fathom. We are capable of moving mountains and changing nations. We are capable of turning the heart of the world towards His love and mercy. But it is only when we allow our hearts to be completely open to that kind of faith that He will use us for miracles such as these. I urge you, to be renewed in your faith on a daily basis, and to pray to Him that He will speak to you and speak through you. I challenge you to open your heart, and let His will be done in your life. My dreams are still there, and I am still that girl with the light in my eyes and a hunger for a revolution of love and peace like never before. I am still crawling on this path, but when He looks at me, I have the strength and the willpower to stand. So let your faith grow, and let it grow far, because He is just waiting to make it blossom.

Matthew 17: 20~"He told them, "Because of your lack of faith. I tell you with certainty, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you."

“Peter Marshall, the great evangelical preacher, once said that we need "faith like potatoes" - plain, simple, real faith that will sustain us in our everyday lives. Whenever I pick up a potato I remember those words. That's the kind of faith I want. When we have faith and act on it, God will come through for us, no matter what our circumstances. God is King!” 
― Angus Buchan, Faith Like Potatoes: The Story of a Farmer Who Risked Everything for God

The Forfeit

Verse 1
If I could end world hunger with one single thought in mind
If I could part the heavens in the sky
If I could reach my hand down and tell them that it'd be alright
Could I do that if I were you?
Would I do that if I were you?

They say you've got the power to set the children runnin' free
And healed the broken man of leprosy
No risen sun could ever be comparable to you
But could I bow down and give you my life
Could I surrender and give you my fight?

Chorus:
I felt so strong standing on my own
Til' walls crashed down and I'm standing alone
A one man army and I'm fighting to stand
on sinking sand til you took my hand
It's only with you that I can; I'll stand

Verse 2:
I'm the perfect product of who the world says I should be
Believing only in what I can see
And when you called me out into the waves upon the sea
Pride became my own worst enemy

Chorus:
I felt so strong standing on my own
Til walls crashed down and I'm standing alone
A one man army and I'm fighting to stand
on sinking sand til you took my hand
It's only with you that I can; I'll stand

Bridge:
You conquered the grave to give me life
So why can't I let you take my fight
I don't want to live like this anymore
Fighting what you have won before

I felt so strong standing on my own
Til walls crashed down and I'm standing alone
A one many army and I'm fighting to stand
on sinking sand til you took my hand
It's only with you that I can; I'll stand

I don't want to live like this anymore
Fighting what you have won before<3

Walk on the water

http://youtu.be/GO2prEoATH8

Oh, how I would love to do this someday; Take a road trip to anywhere and pray to God that he places the lost on my path and presents the opportunity to pray with them. I say someday as if I couldn't get up and do it tomorrow. It's so difficult to get out of our comfort zones and just walk. To just get out of that boat and walk on the water with full faith. But we fear. And we doubt. And so naturally, we sink. But Jesus isn't natural, is He? Jesus is Super natural. Jesus is above and beyond any expectation and any belief we could ever even imagine with our worldly minds. So we think, how could I ever walk on water? How could I ever keep my head above the tide coming in during the storm?

And Jesus smiles and says, how could you not?

Let's stop believing in what we see, and start believing in what HE sees. He sees our heart, one by one; individually made and beautifully created. He believes in our power. Let's start believing in His. That is truly how the lost get found.

A humble friend; story of a true blessing

  The ticking of a clock, the sweet melody of a Robin, the dew lightly settling on the leaves and the grass, when all the while the sun plays hide and seek as she rises and slowly spreads her light and warmth over the Earth, little by little. This is how my 8 AM Saturday mornings on desk shift always seem to start. The world is still, and so is my soul. It's funny how they say the simple things in life are what makes it all worth while. But in all honesty, there is so much truth behind that. Oh, how I long for moments like this at times when I cannot even hear my own heartbeat. The noise of the world crowds my mind and leaves me screaming inside my head to the point of exhaustion and insanity. But for right now, I am calm. Will you spend a few moments with me in this peace? I ask of you to simply breathe, and just sit still. Allow the Lord to calm the waters of the raging storms within you. Pray this with me, "Lord, quiet my soul. Fill me with your spirit. I am yours and I am new. Be still my soul, be still."....

Ready to move on? :)

 This is a story of inspiration and encouragement. Something I hope will humble you as much as it humbled me.
  I will not use real names, as not to break any promises to keep this discrete and anonymous. But I feel that the Lord used this person to strengthen my own faith, and that is a story I would be selfish not to share. I am obliged to call this person Nathan, which means 'God has given' in the Bible. This is only fitting for a person who was so kind and so gracious to me; a giving person. When I met Nathan in the beginning of the year, he was always very quiet and reserved. He would never hurt a fly, but he wasn't exactly the type to frollick in the fields of flowers either, ha ;) Over time, while most people knew very little about him, I could feel the Lord tugging on my heart strings to reach out to him just to let him know he had someone else behind him. A simple smile, or a 'how are you' seemed like enough to me. But I never acted much on it. I used the excuses I always use; I'm too busy to pay attention or I'm sure he has other friends. Often times, I don't even come up with an excuse, I just walk on by and ignore it. (Doesn't it feel like we have a tendency to do this? To just walk on past people who end up meaning something in our lives some day in the future. I guess it's true when they say we really don't realize a good thing when it's right in front of us, including a friend.)
  So while my stubborn spirit continued to play it safe, short, and simple, the Lord knew me much better than this. Over time, our simple hello's would become a conversation (not too long, but never too short). Nathan was (and still is) a tough character to figure out. I'm not exactly sure what his past was like, he's always too humble to want to speak about himself. But there's always been so much depth in his spirit and a heart of tranquil solitude; he doesn't have to say much to earn the respect of anyone in his presence.
  I will never forget how one of our conversations ended up playing out. "How'd you become so religious?" My biggest joy in life, is when people ask me about my faith. I imagine it was a lot to process when I proceeded with my waterfall of an explanation to this question haha, but I could not contain my joy that someone was interested in knowing about the very thing that makes me who I am. And although I am not sure if Nathan agreed with my views and beliefs, he made it a point to express his respect and utmost sincerity for my heart. Even as Christians, we don't always truly respect others actions and thoughts as much as we should. Jesus judged no one. While Nathan may not be a believer, he surely is an example of Christ in this way.
  A few days ago, I received a message from Nathan asking me about my mission trip to Uganda. When he asked me who he can write a check out to for a donation, I told him he really didn't have to do that (he was already such a wonderful friend to me in encouragement). I chose not to argue with him on this, and I would lie if I said I wasn't truly excited that someone was willing to donate to my cause. I met with him the next morning under his one condition, that I would keep it discrete (another humble action of his). Donations are usually $10-$20, or so I've heard. To be completely honest, I am more than thankful for spare change and prayers. Which is why I was almost brought to tears when I read the amount on the check that morning. I will not say the exact amount, but it was more than what a college kid like most of us can or are willing to give.
  It really made me think, just how much are we giving of ourselves to those who are in need? Even someone who does not follow any organized faith and is still so humble and gracious as this,  the Lord used as a prime example of sacrifice and the love Jesus has for us. How much do we give? How much do I give? I certainly was never as gracious as Nathan was to me in giving to any cause. And I prayed to the Lord, "It's absolutely amazing how you used someone who I least expected, to show me what it means to truly give, even when it means more than what we think we can afford." Nathan has inspired me to give more than what I am willing to. Not just financially, but in spirit and heart as well. My prayers now are that the Lord can teach me to give more of myself to others in need, when they need love or advice or someone to laugh with. I pray that even when I feel tired, that I find the strength inside me to wake up and play with the children, to be an active listener in my conversations with others, to be kind and gracious and dole out compliments to those who need the encouragement, to drop what I am doing when a friend is in need and realize that nothing will ever be more important than to tend to a breaking heart or a broken spirit. Nathan has taught me all of this and more, and he doesn't even realize it. But I am so thankful to the Lord that my eyes are open to this. I have been extremely blessed every time the Lord sends me his Angels in disguise, this particular friend being one of them.
  Nathan, if you ever get around to reading this, I hope you know I had to tell this story to anyone who needs encouragement and hope as much as you have given it to me. You are a wonderful person, whether you see that or not. And the Lord has blessed me with a friend in you. Our past does not define us, but rather the impact we have on those around us in our daily lives. And you have impacted my life more than you know. So I thank you.

I do so hope this story is an encouragement to you all. May the Lord be with you and continue to open your eyes to the blessings around us! I will write again soon. Until then, keep an eye out for those Angels. Don't let them pass you by like I almost did :)

"Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it."~Hebrews 13:2

Nduwamungu Anuarite

My little princess; I sponsor this beautiful child through compassion international. If you would like to learn more, check out  https://www.compassion.com/account/login.htm. 

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you."~John 15:9

Hello lovely people :)

I know the testimony before this post is a bit long. You will notice I always have a lot to say haha, and I always make it a point to share who I am with anyone who is willing to hear it, in hopes that my struggles and my blessings will be an encouragement to always have faith in the Lord. Mother Teresa once said, "If you want a love message to be heard, it has got to be sent out. To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it." This is my attempt to light a lamp of all my blessings for every one of you reading this. 

   If you have read my intro, you will see that I have been called on a mission to Uganda this summer. I cannot express to you the feelings and the thoughts that I have at this point. Excitement, peace, fear, anxiety, a sense of  meaning and purpose, love; the Lord knows me all too well to challenge me by giving me mixed emotions to see what I will choose to do step by step. So far, I have had the fear of going to a dangerous country, the insecurity of not knowing how in the world I will raise $2700 by May, the compassion for the children and families I will be blessed to serve, and the love of a God who, despite all of my childish doubts, loves me and carries me through every storm and every hardship. 

    I don't know exactly what to expect from all of this. I have had opposition and people who do not agree with what I am doing. But I also know this is something I have literally dreamed about, and know with every piece of my heart that I am meant to go. All I ask for now, is for prayer. I am a firm believer that prayer is what can truly change our world. And I pray that both you and I can learn from the lessons the Lord teaches me on this journey, and that we may reach out to our brothers and sisters in love, always. I may not write on this every day, but I will be back often to keep you updated and take prayer requests. I love you ALL, and thank you for reading. My prayers are always with you :)

My training material for Uganda! 

Testimony of Zandra Christopher

                I am walking through a dark cloud. I hear the cries of people in pain all around me. My eyes are closed and I feel the small body on my hip nestle her face in my shoulder. A light pours down through a hole in the sky, and I slowly open my eyes to look towards it. The smoke is slowly lifted away, and I walk out of the cloud, leading hundreds of people away from the darkness with my head lifted high. Africa, in all of her simple beauty and grace, calls me to save her people and lead them to the Lord.

            This was the vision that the Lord gave to me in a dream my senior year of High school. I had never felt anything more real in my life. My name is Zandra Eileen Christopher. I was born into a family that raised me in a Catholic Church and eventually divorced by the time I was 5 years old. The idea of God was just a figment of my imagination. I only knew of Him what I learned in Sunday school every week. But even still, I knew there was something, someone, bigger and mightier who was watching over me. After my parents divorced, there was a huge custody battle for my sister and I that lasted for years

           Although I didn’t understand why, my father was granted custody against our will and we were taken from our mother. For the first time in my life, I wondered if there really was a God. I remember opening the letter from the court and hearing my Mom read the words aloud that sent so much pain through me. It was the first time that I literally ran to my Bible and dropped to my knees holding it and praying out loud, “Where are you? If you’re there, please, don’t do this to us.”  At 9 years old, despite the pain of everything that followed after that, I now rest easy in knowing that this was a blessing in disguise. Just as Paul went through hardships for His glory, the Lord said he was a chosen instrument to spread the word to His people because of who he had been and what he was ready to do. I was bitter for years and turned away from God.  When I truly found Him at the age of 16 and was reborn a Christian, the scales fell from my eyes and I saw more and more beauty every single day. I was and am, His chosen instrument.It was the end of my sophomore year of high school and I was already ready to be on my own and out of the house. I never got reunited with my mother, and although I loved my father dearly, I needed my mother more than anything. But I kept myself extremely busy with a job, my grades, and extracurricular activities to make sure I was in control and would be secure for life after high school on my own. I was closer to Christ than was when I was younger, but I still did not know Him personally. By chance, I was invited to Student Life summer camp with First Baptist Church of Groveland for a week that ended up being the best week of my entire life. I had never been to this church before, and only started to attend in the weeks leading up to the summer camp. During the day we would go to a poverty stricken community and run a free VBS for the kids, and at night we would drive back to the camp facilities and dive into the word and worship service. The first day seemed like nothing out of the ordinary; introductions, scripture, a song or two, break. But in those next few days, my life would be forever changed.

It was the most beautiful experience in the world, being broken down into feeling like everything I was didn’t have purpose or meaning if it wasn’t for Him. We played with the children from Deland every day, and poured our hearts into them. I remember the little girl who never left my side, Savannah, asked me endless questions about God. It broke my heart to find out that she and her brother lived with a mom who was an alcoholic and paid little attention to them. But seeing her smile when we talked about the Father who would never leave her, made me really think that if a child can feel Him and be in awe of Him He has to be real. I got to know the other kids on the trip, and every night we’d have devotion and cry together that we were alive and had made it through our life struggles from the past. It was the last night of the camp, and the speaker, Ed Newton, did the alter call before worship. Raising my hand with my eyes closed and my heart wide open when He asked who was willing to give up who they were to be with Christ, was the most humbling thing I have ever done. I was mesmerized, walking down the stairs up to the stage, and to this day I believe that it wasn’t me who walked up there, but the wings of the Angels that the Lord sent to guide me down there. It’s a feeling I can’t describe, all that I know is that I wasn’t in my body. I was on the clouds of heaven. I felt a presence that was unfamiliar to me, yet I felt like it was the closest thing I had ever known to Home. As the band played and we all cried together and held each other in awestruck wonder of what He had done in our lives, I smiled and felt the weight of the world lift off of my shoulders. I was even led to sponsor a little girl from Africa that night. I knew it was the first step in my reborn life that the Lord had laid on my heart as a vow that I would serve Him and His people for all the days of my life. After tears of joy, it was the last devotion we would have before going home, and I was chosen to do it. I had never opened myself up so bravely, and I ended my testimony with a song I wrote called Red Rose. It was a song the Lord used me to write that told the story of how He sings to us, His red rose, and reminds us that the storms will pass, “No matter the seasons, please stay strong. The winters and lightening lasts so long. But I see your courage, you’ll find it in you to carry on.” It seems like so long ago that this happened, and it’s crazy to think that Christ IS my whole life now. But I’m learning more every day, and He is the center of it all.

Every day is a new experience. Things fall through, things look up, and the Lord is ALWAYS right there walking with me. I hit dry spells every now and then and I am forced to seek Him harder and deeper. And there has never been a time that I didn’t find Him in the end. I am a full time college student on track to be a Nurse, I meet with 7 beautiful girls for a wonderful bible study, and I am enrolled in the NROTC program on campus. I have never been busier. But I have also never been surer of my faith and who I am in Christ. My identity is in Him. And I want to spend the rest of my life learning from Him and being awakened by His love. I take great joy in knowing that when people see me or hear me speak, they know that God is and always will be who I live for. 

The vision I was given runs through my mind almost every day. I will be a missionary nurse in Africa, where I am called to be. I knew I was called to be there when I was called to sponsor my little girl in Rwanda, Africa; Nduwamungu Anuarite. When I chose her to sponsor, I had never learned about the genocide in Rwanda in 1994. The more I learned about it, and the more I prayed about it, the more I knew I wanted to be there with these people and teach them about an unending Love that never fails. Not long after committing to my little princess, I was given the vision in a dream and woke up in a sweat. The Lord knows what He was doing. This is the path I am on. To whoever reads this, I hope my testimony is an encouragement to you that He lives in all of us and is just waiting so anxiously for us to run home to Him. I pray that He teaches you the way back when you stray, and that He blesses your heart with peace and beauty for all of the days of your life.